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News from the Far Side

Monday 24th March 2008

Its a rodeo: The Bulls seek inner peace

In the latest in a series of 'top secret' meetings, Bok coach Peter de Villiers is trying to lure former captains Francois Pienaar and Bob Skinstad out of retirement.

After travelling to France to meet John Smit and secretly meeting with Victor Matfield in South Africa, de Villiers is putting his drive to ensure the services of experienced players into high gear.

The Springboks new leader met clandestinely with Pienaar and Skinstad under a highway bridge in Boksburg, where he plans to move the Springboks headquarters because it "just sounds right" according to the Jo'burg Weekly Herald .

The use of ultra high-tech listening devices permitted parts of the undercover conversation to be heard.

It is understood that de Villiers is placing a priority on experience and is offering the players the possibility of lucrative endorsement deals - including men's magazines cover shoots and bar snack commercials - if they return to play for their country.

Following Matfield's lead, Toulouse fly-half Gaffie du Toit is reportedly planning to visit South Africa, seeking a meeting with de Villiers who has a soft spot for foie gras from the south-west of France.

Another South African coach in the headlines is Bulls mentor Frans Ludeke who continues to impose his own new found spirituality on his players.

Bulls fans would have been alarmed to see Dannie Rossouw and Bakkies Botha walking around in brightly coloured togas in their Rotorua hotel recently.

"We need to seek harmony with our inner-Bull," Ludeke told on-lookers at a recent training session where he was employing some innovative coaching techniques.

Ludeke had incense burning around the edges of the field and the Bulls players were seen charging at red curtains taken from the hotel and munching on the lawn at the bottom of the rucks.

"I are very much liking the vision of Lions coach Eugene Eloff. Making a draw against the Reds is very good for Karma. Balance is very important in achieving Super 14 enlightenment," said Ludeke before ringing a small bell to which his players replied with a low "hhhhmmmmmm".

The Bulls would have been encouraged by the news that Pierre Spies is expected to join them shortly.

The talented number eight's cousin's neighbour's brother told reporters that he was ready for action following the pulmonary embolism that has sidelined him for the last six months.

"He's much better. He hardly ever coughs up blood anymore. Except for mornings...and when he runs or breaths heavily. Otherwise he's fine."

In news from England, the saga regarding the head coach position has taken a new turn.

With Jake White, Martin Johnson, Austin Healey and Phil de Glanville having been linked with various different roles in the Twickenham set-up or even as a replacement for Brian Ashton, there seems to be a new front runner for the top spot.

Former Chelsea football coach José Morinho is believed to be RFU Elite Director Rob Andrew's favourite for the job. The self proclaimed 'Special One' has the experience of handling star sportsmen that England require according to Andrew.

"It's not like his lack of rugby experience is a major problem considering what's going on at the moment" Andrew was overheard muttering.

In France, Toulouse coach Guy Novès' decision to send an under strength side to Paris has come under the spotlight in the French press but he has provided a plausible explanation for the absence of Cédric Heymans and Vincent Clerc

"Il Pleuvait à Paris et il faisait un beau soleil à Toulouse. Vincent et Cédric n'aime pas trop le froid, alors ils ont préfèré d'aller se bronzer au bord de la Garonne," (Cédric and Vincent were are in state of exhaustion symptomatic the overexertions of the unreasonable demands of a preposterous calendar) Novès told Les Couillons de Rugby.