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News from the Far Side

Tuesday 17th June 2008

Under control: Jonno has his eye on happenings down south

Matt Damon and Morgan Freeman will play Francois Pienaar and Nelson Mandela respectively in the upcoming movie about the 1995 World Cup to be filmed in South Africa.

A special undercover agent disguised as Jack Nicholson has uncovered the details of the other actors and some of the plot details after sneaking into the Hollywood studios of the film's producers.

A copy of the film's script has revealed that Danny Devito will play All Blacks captain Sean Fitzpatrick. A note from the director of casting to the producer explains how an Irish-type actor could not be found, so they settled for the next best thing, an Italian.

Jennifer Anniston is set to play the infamous "Suzi", the waitress suspected of poisoning the All Blacks' food. The plot involves her adding sour grapes to the team's fruit salad after a secret love triangle between her, Fitzpatrick and Springbok hooker Uli Schmidt falls apart.

After her stellar portrayal of Bob Dylan in the recent film "I'm not there", Cate Blanchett pushes her acting limits beyond the simple gender barrier by playing the roles of fly-halves Andrew Mehrtens AND Joel Stransky.

John Goodman plays Springbok lock Kobus Wiese, who is torn between a life as ballroom dancer and a rugby player after his dancing partner has her heart broken by Uli Schmidt.

Tom Cruise also appears in cameo role as a youthful freedom fighter from the townships coming to grips with the changing environment in South Africa while secretly harbouring romantic feelings for...Uli Schmidt.

In news from New Zealand, a few weeks after Coach Graham Henry told players to show up to training with their own kit, the All Blacks camp has been thrown into further disarray after England care-taker manager Rob Andrew offered Richie McCaw a white shirt so he could blend in on England's side of the breakdown.

"The boys are really confused. First they were told they all had to wear different jerseys. Then they were told that they were all going to wear the same ones and they were quite chuffed. But now there's a rumour going around that Richie's getting different jersey," a spokesman told the Watertight Wellington Weekender.

"Dan's particularly stressed out. Everyone keeps on asking him what jersey he's gonna wear next season, he's not even sure what colour jersey he's wearing on Saturday!"

In other news from England's tour to the land of the long white cloud, future manager Martin Johnson has become know within the squad simply as 'Big Brother.'

A source deep inside the camp has revealed that 'Jonno' has had cameras installed in the all rooms, change rooms, around the training field, and in the team bus while a special camera unit has been built for Rob Andrew to wear on his head.

Johnson is said to view the images from a central control panel back in England and is in constant communication with Andrew.

"Oh, it's great to be in touch with Jonno," said a player before abruptly stopping while a strange electric-shock type sound emanated from his pants.

"I mean Mr Johnson, he's really great," the player continued.

In news from Italy's tour to the southern Hemisphere, Coach Nick Mallet has been left dumbfounded by local journalists' questions at a press conference on Monday:

"Hey, Nick you remember when Bryton Paulse scored that try for South Africa at Newlands in 1998 and the you got so hammered at the bar you couldn't find the door?"

"Hey Nick, how come Castrospaghetti isn't on tour?"

"Hey Nick, this is a hulluva holiday you've been on, glad to see you're finally back in Cape Town."

Mallet, however, in typically stylish style remained level-headed and tried to update the media on Italy's team news.

"We've had a lot a injury issues and some other players are playing for their clubs. We're missing seven out of eight props, four out of five flanks, three fly-halves and six centres, but we still hope to be competitive," said the Springbok, er, Western Province, er, Italy Coach.

"But we've tried to pick a team representative of Italy with real Italians from the Italian league. Jaco Erasmus makes a mean Bolognaise and Kaine Robertson's Tiramisu is delicious."

In News from the Top 14, Coach Patrice Lagisquet was absent from the Biarritz's last game of the season. He was spotted in London finding retirement accommodation for himself and Serge Betsen. He was also seen at Wasps headquarters making sure floors are not too slippery in the changing rooms.

"At Serge's age a fall can be nasty and nobody likes a hip replacement," the doorman said he heard Lagisquet say.

In news from the French national team, Head Coach Marc Lièvremont has added a few names to his staff for Les Bleus tour to Austalia. Marion Lièvremont has been named as the new team chef. Jean-Claude Lièvremont has been named baggage handler and Thomas Lièvremont has been named as his personal assistant.

"L'Australie, c'est parfait pour une vacance de famille. On n'a encore jamais visité là bas. C'est mieux que Dax c'est sure."(Australia will be challenge for the team. We're still getting to know each other, we've never met before), said the Head Coach of the new appointments.