News

News from the Far Side

Monday 08th September 2008

Jonno hard at work: 'It think we'll go with the egg-shell white'

This weekend saw the first rounds of thirsty action in the Guinness Premiership and the Magners League.

After a long, dry summer during which fans had to endure the hardships of consuming such silly things as strawberries at Wimbledon and brightly-coloured energy drinks while shaven-legged men pedaled around in lycra, the rugby season has finally kicked-off.

Fans got into their stride with a few Magners on Friday, just to get the juices flowing. But the boozing began in earnest with the Guinness on Saturday as a double-header at Twickenham had fans cheering for more.

"I tell you governor, I couldn't take much longer," said one fan, Al Bowbender.

"Fe Mrs 'as 'ad me in fe garden an' wot-not. Fank god ders a bit of ol rugga, so I can go down to fe pub an' 'ave a pint wif de lads. I tell 'er, 'ioy, just going out for a bita Magners and Guinness,' an' she finks it's all 'bout rugby.

"It were fantastic. Some blokes from London played some uva blokes from London or Ireland or somefing, but who 'cares cause de Guinness were fresh an' de Magners were sweet. Yeah, den some blokes dressed up like clowns play some norf afrikens. It were right good."

Indeed, the Premiership kicked-off on Saturday with the tradition double-header at Twickenham, with London Irish scoring a fine 26-14 victory over champions London Wasps before Harlequins recorded a tense 24-21 victory over Saracens.

Despite the loss, Wasps were confident they will be able to bounce back later in the season.

"We're not worried, we've recruited well and we've got plenty of youngsters raring to go. Serge Betsen in only 34, so the best is yet to come," a spokesman told the Evening Hive.

Meanwhile, England's hands-on Team Manager Martin Johnson was recently seen in a factory of the Roses' kit supplier, working on changes to the squad's kit for the November tours.

Sources within a southeast Asian sweatshop have revealed that 'labourers' are working furiously to producing the new England kit, and 'Jonno'- as always - has been part of the process from day one, sewing up a storm.

As has been the case at many a rugby club this season, the change in kit design has been in inspired by the Parisian trend to have brightly coloured jerseys, according to the project's chief designer, and well-known Asian fashionista, Mr. Wat-Ar Yuzinkin.

"The design-phase has been completed. We're going with a "tie-dye" look, just like Stade Fran�ais's away strip, which is just fab," said Yuzinkin.

"They still want to keep the traditional colours though, and we're waiting for a decision to see if we go with cream, white, off-white, ivory, egg-shell, bone or beige - it's a very difficult decision."

While Stade Fran�ais were wowing fans in Perpignan with their fashion sense on Saturday, big-spending Toulon were shock losers in their Top 14 match to Mont-de-Marsan.

"Oh, mais qu'est-ce que tu vuex, ils n'arrive pas � jouer quand ils sont gav� de caviar. Ils se la p�te trop!" (Oh, we nearly didn't have a match. We had to have a collection at the visitor's bus to gather enough money to pay for our players' shoes,) said a Mont-de-Marsan spokesman, Gilles Noeuros.

Important notice to readers: In the wake of recent bizarre allegations in the South African press, NFS would like to make it clear that while its secret hidden cameras have captured footage of countless rugby personalities engaged in variety of sexual activities, these tapes are reserved for the exclusive and private use of its team of crack investigators and will not be released, to anyone, under any circumstances.

Players desperate to retain their places in their respective teams will simply have to play harder and are requested to stop badgering our offices for material with which to coerce their selection.

By the Scarlet Badger