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News from the Far Side

Monday 01st December 2008

Sabotage: Could Ma'a Nonu's hair stylist be Welsh?

New Zealand's triumphant tour of the North has come to and end, but for some the work is not over. Not until everyone learns to respect the Haka.

The All Blacks' victory over Wales in Cardiff was almost overshadowed by a pre-match incident when the Welsh reaction to the Haka was not to everyone's taste - least of all Ma'a Nonu.

The explosive All Black centre found the Welsh response provocative and claimed it will have drawn an angry reaction back in New Zealand. Sources close to the New Zealand camp were led to belive that the tattooed Hurricanes powerhouse was ready to embark a personal crusade to force people to respect the traditional pre-game challenge.

Education starts at home as deep under cover team of NFS operatives discovered. The highly elusive team, always hidden in the shadows, trailed Nonu from the moment he touched down in New Zealand.

As expected the burly Polynesian's first port of call was he local hang-out: Trevor's Tattoo, Hair Braids and Manicure Parlour.

Disguised as a potential client, one of our crack investigators entered the parlour and was obliged to undergo full perm and blow-waved treatment, but was able to record Nonu's conversation with the proprietor of the establishment, alias Trevor Jones-Williams.

- "Hiya Ma'! Where've you been, haven't seen you for weeks," said Jones-Williams in an unusually high-pitched voice.

- "On the road with a guys Trev. Europe," replied Nonu, who was clearly not impressed with Jones-Williams' attire.

- "Oh wow, a trip with all those guys. How exciting, but I hope they didn't make you wear those boring, colourless uniforms again."

-"We're the All Blacks, Trev. The ALL Blacks, we're not supposed to wear colourful stuff, that's the whole idea."

- "Oh well, at least we can always jazz it up a bit with some colourful hair-braids, eh?"

-"That's why you're the best."

-"So...tell me, hows the dancing been going?"

-"It's rugby Trev, rugby."

-"Yes but you still do that dance of yours beforehand, right?"

-"Yes. The Haka Trev, the Haka."

-"Ooh yes, Hakareina! I love the way you shake your tail feather. But do you really need to stick you tongue out, it's a bit rude."

-"It's a war dance Trev. Really, no one's shaking any tail feathers. But I'll tell you about rude Trev, I'll tell you. We were just in Cardiff and you won't believe what the Welsh did. While we were doing our dance they, just stood there....looking right at us."

-"No!"

-"Yes!"

-"Looking right at you!"

-"Yes, right at us."

-"No!"

-"Yes, Trev, yes. Just stood there, staring at us."

-"Ah, the blasphemy. You must have felt so exposed. Shame, how about another slice of lemon meringue, and we'll put a few nice yellow ribbons in your hair, you'll feel much better."

-"Thanks, Trev. You always know how to make a guy feels special, not like those Welsh tarts. But your not getting the point. The Haka's serious stuff, you're supposed to be afraid."

-"Tarts you say? Are there a lot of these tarts in Wales?"

-"You're not listening. The Haka, it's important. It's part of our heritage."

-"I hear there are loads of tarts in England. That old mate of yours Riki seems to be doing ok for himself out there. Saw him on TV the other day, all dressed in white and red, looking dashing. Don't know what the show was, he and his mates were singing something about the queen - but he didn't seem to know the words very well."

-"Forget about Riki and those Englishmen. I'm talking about the Welsh, the Haka - are you even listening to me?"

- "No wonder they call him Flutey, he doesn't sing very well at all. He was a much better off dancing with you guys."

At this stage Nonu had reached breaking point and promptly picked Jones-Williams up and pile drove through his hair dressers chair before storming out, at which point the trail was lost (perm was not done yet). But our tireless team of journalistic detectives will hunt him down wherever he may hide. Watch this space.

Have been a victim of an Welsh intimidation? We'll investigate!

By the Scarlet Badger