FUN

News from the Far Side

Monday 05th May 2008

Save Our Mauls: Things turn nasty outside Twickenham

The International Rugby Board's decision to put the Experimental Law Variations on a worldwide trial has sparked violent protests in the Northern Hemisphere as police clashed with 'pro-old school' partisans outside Twickenham on Sunday.

The IRB announced on Thursday that 13 of the 23 ELVs submitted by the IRB's Law Project Group had been accepted for a worldwide 12-month trial period commencing in August.

Northern Hemisphere fans turned out in their droves to voice their opposition to the new laws in protest marches across the UK.

In London, the long arm of the law was called in to subdue a group calling themselves 'The Long Armers'.

"This is ridiculous, we shall fight to the bitter end to save our game from these fair-weather fiends. Only a free-kick for hands-in? That's blasphemy!" shouted a man claiming that the law changes were the work of an Australian conspiracy to penalise teams that were used to playing in mud rather than on grass.

Protesters waving banners inscribed with slogans like "We love the long arm", "Save the maul" and "The 22 is our sanctuary" confronted police who insisted that they stand five metres back before they crouched, touched, paused and finally engaged.

Meanwhile, in Sydney, representatives of SANZAR were greeted on their return from the IRB conference by scenes of jubilation as crowds skipped, danced and sang Australia's new number 1 hit single, "Wake me up before you tap 'n go go".

In recognition of the differing reactions to the ELVs, the IRB has proposed a new innovation where a choice of various options could be used to determine the laws to be applied in matches.

Option 1: "Your Laws or My Laws Option" - At the pre-match coin toss, the winning captain shall have to the right to decide which laws are to be used.

Option 2: "Lucky Dip Option" - Before kick off, the referee shall place all the law variations into a hat, and the captains will alternatively draw three laws each.

Option 3: "Game Show Fun Option" - The IRB will reveal the laws to used in a particular game in a live pre-game broadcast where a scantily clad, large-breasted woman shall spin a "wheel-o-laws" in front of a studio audience.

Option 4: "Secret Surprise Option" - The referee will not reveal the laws to the players beforehand but will blow the game at his own discretion, applying new law variations as and when needed.

Option 5: "Locals' Rule Option" - The team hosting an encounter will inform the opposition, in writing, of which laws will be used, no less than 48 hours before kick-off.

"I think option 4 seems the most viable, since that's pretty much what's happening now, though personally I'd prefer option 3. " a spokesman for the New Laws Committee told the East Auckland Sunday Informer.

"We've also decided to change some of the out-dated terminology used in world rugby. 'Clubs' will now only be referred to as 'franchises,' and 'leagues' will be referred to as 'markets'.

"We're also thinking of following cricket's example and creating a 'Super League, er, I mean 'Super Market' in India where games will be 20 minutes long and tries will be worth 11 points."

In other news from England, Newcastle Falcons have confirmed that Toby Flood, Ben Woods and Mathew Tait will all leave the club at the end of the current season. A source inside the club revealed the real reasons for there departure.

"They're just too young. Keeping them would mean Falcons would be burdened with paying their salaries for years and years. It makes for more economic sense to just hire a couple of old All Blacks," the insider told the Newcastle Daily Telegraphed Herald Times.

"Besides, when your club's called the Falcons, you don't want players with names like Wood or Flood, people are likely to mistake you for a wildlife conservation organisation, we can't have that."

Meanwhile, in news from France, Castres became the first side to win in Clermont in over two years as their top of the Top 14 hosts toppled to a topsy-turvy 35-28 defeat.

In their next game, Castres host Toulouse on Wednesday in what promises to be an intriguing battle.

"C'est top ! Nous avons pris du plaisir," (What a disappointment, we wanted to win by more) said coach Castres Alain Gaillard afterwards

"Mais nous sommes aussi surprise que Clermont. Ils sont vraiment plus fort que nous et je ne suis pas sûr qu'on aura la même chance contre Toulouse."

(We knew we could smash 'em. On Wednesday, we're going to bash Toulouse, we're ready to kill. We'll eat them for breakfast and chew with our mouths open.)